i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
