Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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