I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
