Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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