Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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