the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
