I want to have your abortion
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
