so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
