It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
