using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
