Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
