is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
