we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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