shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize