Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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