Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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