apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
