you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
