you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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