Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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