I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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