I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
