Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize