Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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