Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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