9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
