And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
