thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
