I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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