no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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