I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
