The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the day after is always just damage control
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm like, not good at living.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
