I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
