I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
