I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
