Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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