walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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