don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize