I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
