one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
