I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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