So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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