I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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