I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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