I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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