I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
