i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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