please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
