Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize