Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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