Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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