I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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