wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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