listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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