this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize