I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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