The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
