I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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