Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
