I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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