Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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