omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
