i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
