god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
