My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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