How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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