Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize