OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
