broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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