you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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