you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
