This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
