I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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