he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
