You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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